Welcome to my world of ambivalence

It is so strange to think that two months ago I did not care about anything. I was so frustrated and worn out from work that I could not bring myself to think about anything critically. Nothing has really changed substantially in the time between, but I now find myself massively conflicted about a few things.

First, I have tried steadily to come to terms with the fact that nine months from now I may not be living in Charlottesville. Charlottesville is where my heart is these days, but I know that I have to do what is best for me. And that might mean leaving. That being said, there is another prospect at work that could keep me around long term, but I will not get my hopes up about it at this point. The strange thing is that I know I do not want to leave. But I will not force myself to stay if I am unhappy with my career. It sucks to think that I will have to leave a place I longed to return to for years. Perhaps things will work out and I can stay and they certainly could. Predictions have never been my strong suit, so I will make none at this point. Emotionally I am definitely torn between staying in a place that I love and returning to a lifestyle that I did not enjoy all that much. In one, I am hours away from a group of people that I would really like to see more infrequently. In another, I will be near those people, but in a place that I grew tired of quite rapidly. Northern VA just does not have the sort of lifestyle that I want at this time. Regardless, this is not a decision I will take lightly or make in haste. I will weigh all of the options and figure out which will make more sense to me in a few key areas.

On to another semi-related subject, I have had a fickle relationship with truth and honesty over the years. Being truthful and completely honest is something that I continue to strive for and I expect that from the people in my life. But I guess that continues to be a double-edged sword. Now this is not unique to me in any sense. As they say, the truth hurts. I think it hurts even more sometimes when you expect it. For instance, it stings to hear something like, "We think you are a great candidate, but you just do not have the experience we are looking for at this time." Totally honest and forthcoming and yet disappointing to see put into words. This was not something that I can necessarily say I anticipated in regards to that situation, but I have to learn from it and grow. A little more difficult is hearing someone say, "I really wish that I had met you earlier in my life." This was something that I figured was understood, but I did not expect to be vocalized despite how true it may be. I will be honest and say that I will not be going into much further detail on that one at the moment. But it is another source of my ambivalent feelings at this point. Nothing new for me, I suppose. Needless to say, I am reading up on the idea of cognitive dissonance (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance) because I think I am dealing with a serious bout of it this week. Ha. Maybe writing this tonight is a part of my rationalization process. Who knows.

I do feel as if I am smack dab in the middle of a spectacularly interesting record right now and maybe that is what I get for being so emotionally attached to certain music! My deck has become Otis Redding's dock. Guess I need to start putting down all the thoughts onto paper somewhere. Who is going to play drums for me?

Enough rambling for the night. I might be kidding myself by thinking that anyone is actually reading this nonsense anyway.